* This post is cross posted – it originally appeared on my church women’s blog! But I needed to hear it myself lately, so I decided to repost here!*
I struggle with self worth. There, I said it. I spit it out. I started with it.
When I was first approached to write for the Sister’s blog, I was excited! But more than that? I was incredibly intimidated. There are already three amazing ladies who write here, who are so well versed in the Word.
But, I let my excitement win out and I happily agreed to take on this project.Mark 11:24 says “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” So I prayed for weeks for a topic. I asked God to put something on my heart to say to the women at church and anyone else who might happen to read this little corner of the internet.
I sat in my life groups, surrounded by amazing women who do great things for our church and our community. Women who I am in awe of when I look at their spiritual maturity, and who I consider blessed to count as friends. As our group closed in prayer, I added my own request for what to write. But no inspiration came for my writing.
I poured over Christian blogs that I read regularly. I listened to sermons via podcast. I talked to friends who are in ministry in various churches throughout the country. No inspiration.
I prayed some more. I was listening and waiting. But God was silent.
I sat through meetings for an upcoming outreach. Again, in awe of the amazing people I have the pleasure of surrounding myself with. But again, nothing.
Then, I started thinking about my own position in ministry. I am passionate about the areas that God has called me to, and I am so blessed that he has put me where he has. But still I struggle. I feel like I’m not doing “enough” for Him. Like my hours at church (23 in the past week, for various reasons) weren’t enough. Sure, I was at all three services on Sunday. But I was just pushing buttons on the computer, I wasn’t really making a difference.
I was in my life groups, but I didn’t really bring anything valuable to the table. I didn’t have amazing praise reports. I didn’t even have anything insightful to add during our discussion.
I was looking at everyone around me, thinking “who am I to write a blog post about anything at all; they asked the wrong person.” And then it snowballed. Who am I to say I’m involved in ministry? To say I’m a disciple? I’m not really that good at that stuff.
Self-doubt. That’s one of my biggest struggles. I throw the word “just” into phrases a lot. “I am ‘just’ a stay at home mom.” or “I am just the computer tech, the real work is done by someone else.” (And those are just a few examples.) I tend to write off my works because they aren’t grand, glorious and huge.
And as I was throwing this pity-party of one, I got a text from a friend. She was thanking me for stopping in and talking with her that day. Thanking me for the laughs, because she was having the worst week inthe history of bad weeks.
Here’s where it hit me. I am enough. (And yes, I realize that this post is now all about me – but it’s not. It’s really not. Because it’s about anyone who has ever had these doubts.)
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10
See, I may not get on stage and sing on Sunday Morning. (And you can all thank me for that anytime, because I promise – it wouldn’t be pretty.) And I may not lead a life group. I don’t head up any of the specific ministries at the church, or elsewhere. There’s plenty of weeks where we’re lucky I make it to service on Sunday.
But I am enough. And even if my job is to help comfort a friend in her time of need, or take my ailing grandmother for a walk in her wheel chair? I’ve done my job.
We are all called to different areas of ministry. We can’t all preach on Sunday Morning. We can’t all minister at the homeless shelter or the jail. We aren’t all called to head up the Women’s Ministry, or beSunday School Teachers.
But someone has to make the coffee. Someone has to clean the bathrooms. Someone has to be a friendly face in the crowd of strangers, a warm smile on the worst day of your life. If our sound guy didn’t show up on Sunday, I can assure you we’d notice.
And then I really hit the wall. This first blog post for this women’s ministry blog is about so much more than some words on a computer screen. Because even if no one reads this? I have an audience in God. He knows my heart. He knows the dark shadow of self-doubt, and the bright and shiny side that wants to make a difference in the world. One tiny word at a time.
(And I know that at least five people will read this, so if you are my best friend, neighbor, the two women who have to give this post the green light, or my mom? Thanks for taking the time! Anyone else? You’re a huge bonus, thank you so much!)
1 Peter 4:10 says that “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”
No matter what your gift is – if it’s strumming the guitar, being a Bible buddy or just offering a smile to someone in the grocery store? In Christ, you are enough.